


Take Two

by LyricIsHereUnfortunately



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy Friendship, Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy Swears (Dear Evan Hansen), Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jared Kleinman Tries, Kinda, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, M/M, Suicide, Time Travel Fix-It, Underage Smoking, Zoe Murphy Tries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24012934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricIsHereUnfortunately/pseuds/LyricIsHereUnfortunately
Summary: Connor Murphy wakes up in his bed at midnight, September 3- the day he killed himself. Evan Hansen seems to be the only one that notices that this day started over. Apparently, his angel didn't want to deal with his shit so he got a second chance at life. And for some reason, child safety is on
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 63
Kudos: 176





	1. Not Today

"Stupid childproof caps!" Connor cursed as bit the cap of the medicine bottle. The thing just wouldn't fucking come _off_. 

He threw the thing as far as he could and pressed his back to the tree behind him. He couldn't even open a bottle of pills correctly. Couldn't even kill himself right. That's what Larry would say if he were here. Nah, if Larry were here, he'd help him open the bottle. 

The bark from the tree sunk splinters into his bare shoulders and arms. He wasn't wearing his hoodie. Why bother when they're just gonna see the scars later? 

What did that kid say about his arm? He fell from a tree, didn't he? Connor can't help the humorless laugh that rises in his throat. It's just- He might have just met the only person that was fucking sadder than him. And he had completely gone off on him. Fuck. 

Hansen, for all of his creepy letters and a weird crush on his sister, didn't deserve that. He'll probably be just as happy as everyone else that Connor finally managed to off himself this time. Him and that asshole Kleinman can have a good fucking laugh about it later. 

With one hand, Connor gets out his phone and dials Miguel's phone number. It rings. Once, twice, three times. He doesn't answer. Why would he? He told Connor that he's done this time. 

Even Miguel doesn't want him around. You know you're a bad person when your drug dealer doesn't even want your money or presence.

For the hell of it, Connor checks his messages from Zoe. 

**Mini Fucker**

_Connor were r u_

_r u high_

_u bettr not b high_

_*better_

_Moms crying_

_its ur falt_

_fuc u_

_come home_

_i h8 u_

_fine stay gone fucker_

He thinks about texting her back, just to be petty, but decides against it. He's not high so he has slightly better impulse control. He hasn't gotten high all day, not that anyone cares. It's weird to think that one day he should get to do whatever he wanted, he chose not to. 

Not that it matters, really, he's going to die and then everything will be right in the world. Larry was right, Connor isn't his son he knew anymore. 

Connor pushes himself up, cursing as he does so, and picks up the pills.

The cap pops off easily. Well, if that isn't a goddamn sign. Connor doesn't sit down as much as he just lets his legs give out from underneath him. He hits his head against the tree, probably drawing blood, but he is honestly way past caring. 

He brings a hand up to his face. Why is he shaking? He presses his palm to his cheek and it comes back dry. Shouldn't he be crying? He cried the last few times. 

Shrugging, he downs the bottle of sleeping pills. 

...

He wakes up to bright white light and his first thought is that he's in the hospital again. The dark-haired boy in a trench coat makes him rethink that, though. 

The first thing the guy says is: "Nope, no. Not today."

"What?" How hard was he tripping? He hadn't even touched acid since that one bad trip in sophomore year. Was his weed laced? If Miguel laced his weed there will be hell to pay.

Connor can't believe this asshole, he chose today for a reason. And this rando with wings the color of Connor's jeans is gonna tell him _no_? What in the actual fuck?

"You're Connor Murphy, right?" He nods. "Then that means you're not due here for another 58 years."

Connor is not following. "...58?"

"Yeah." The angel rolls his eyes. "So turn your emo ass right back around because I cannot deal with the paperwork tonight." 

He lets himself really look at the angel. "You're one to talk."

"Whatever." He rolls his eyes, then goes to the wall, flipping the lightswitch that Connor hadn't noticed. "Just go back."

"Fine." Connor threw his hands up, stomping back towards where he came from. "Fuck!"

...

"Fuck!" Connor bolts upright, hands flying out in front of him. His hand hits his alarm clock and he grips it close. It reads _12:00 Monday, September 3rd._

The day he killed himself. 


	2. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Stop doing weird shit, Connor."
> 
> "I can't just stop being myself."
> 
> "I wish you would."

Connor is still awake at 3:00, staring into his bathroom mirror. He looks terrible (not that he ever looked _good_ ), bags deeper under his eyes, hair a knotted mess, eyes bloodshot. With one shaking hand, he pulls the cabinet open. 

His eyes immediately settle on the only thing that interests him. 

The large bottle of sleeping pills. He tries to reach for it, but his arm won't fucking _move_. He tries and tries for the next few minutes, but his arm refuses to move. 

He feels the muscles in his arm restrain against whatever is holding him still. He settles his attention on something else now, toothpaste. 

His arm moves with ease, grabbing the tube. 

That emo angel fucker put on the child lock for his _life_. 

Connor drops his toothpaste and runs the water, splashing himself with water. He rests his hands on the counter and stares at his reflection.

Water droplets cling to his eyelashes, and the brown spot in his left eye looks more prominent than ever. He hears someone breathing heavily, then looks at his chest in the mirror and realizes _he's_ the one hyperventilating. 

Suddenly he feels disgusting. He smells the weed and the sweat on his skin and sees the death in his eyes. For the first time in months, Connor actually feels the energy and motivation to take a shower. 

He pushes himself away, then stumbles over to the tub, turning on the faucet. He watches the water rush down, then turns on the showerhead. Connor strips quickly and steps into the warm water. 

He's in the middle of washing his hair when he hears someone banging on his bathroom door. 

"Connor, what the fuck?! Its like three a.m.!" Zoe. "How fucking _high_ are you? Who takes a shower this early?"

"Fuck off, Zoe." At least he's finally _doing_ it. 

"No! You scared Mom! She thought you were gonna fill up the tub and put the hairdryer in it!" Zoe bangs on the door harder. "You're lucky I convinced Dad to let me check on you instead of him tearing the door down."

"Oh, come off of it, Zoe." Connor rolls his eyes, washing out his hair. "The door isn't even locked."

Zoe tries the door handle and huffs when it turns all the way. "Stop doing weird shit, Connor."

"I can't just stop being myself."

"I wish you would." It's quiet like she said it under her breath, but Connor can still hear her over the rushing water and through the door. 

Well, fuck her.

Connor finishes cleaning himself, then cuts off the shower. He dries off using a small towel he finds in the cabinet underneath the sink. 

Using his hairdryer, he clears the mirror. He looks slightly better, hair isn't as tangled and his face is a little red. Though blotchy, he looks like he's actually _alive_. 

Fuck. He's _alive_. 

A sob rises up his throat and he has to choke it back. What the fuck is happening?

He waits for the tears in his eyes to die down to brush his hair. As much as he loved Vine, he doesn't want to reenact any right now. There's a knot at the very back of his head, and the brush can't get it out.

Taking a deep breath, Connor latches his finger onto the knot and grits his teeth. He pulls, tearing the knot in half and making it more manageable to brush. So he can still hurt himself, just not as much as he usually does. Fucking _perfect_. 

It takes him like ten minutes, but he finally fixes his hair. As much as Connor hates the shit Larry says about his hair, he honestly couldn't pay him to cut it. He liked his hair long, it covers his neck and face. And he can put it up whenever he wanted so why not have it this long. 

As he's putting the brush up, he notices that most of the paint off his nails have chipped off. He takes out a small metal basket that holds a dozen shades of nail polish (most are just different types of black) and nail polish remover. 

The remover burns against his cuticles and smells terrible. He remembers when, in like 5th grade, kids would whisper to each other about how you can get high off of stuff like this. Oh, the innocence. 

He paints his nails black (except for his middle fingers, those are light blue. 'Cause why the fuck not? He's pretty sure he's tweaking out so who fucking cares?) and lets them dry. 

After they've dried, he stumbles out of the bathroom and goes over to his closet. (He can't stop stumbling; Larry is gonna have a fucking field day with that. He's not even high, he just can't get used to walking for some reason.)

He gets dressed, gray 5sos shirt and ripped jeans, and ties his hair up. His alarm clock reads _4:27._ Same date. Nothing changed. Maybe Connor just had a really weird drug-induced dream. Yeah, that makes sense, though it doesn't explain why he can't pick up the pills or his razors. 

Connor checks under his bed, but there's no weed under there. Connor smoked it all, he didn't think he'd need it again. Well, fuck you, past Connor. He has to go another day sober. (Does it count as another day? This is weird.)

Without weed to keep him company, he spends the next two hours on his phone watching gay people react to homophobic things because that's good content. 

At around 6:30, Connor gets up and goes downstairs. Everyone except for Cynthia is asleep. Connor only notices that because she was standing outside his room, back against the wall so he wouldn't see her, when he walked out. 

She silently follows him to the kitchen and watches him make coffee. Just for the hell of it, he makes her a cup, too. She hasn't pissed him off, yet. 

She thanks him and gives him a look of mild disapproval as Connor fills his drink with creamer and sugar. Contrary to popular opinion, he hates bitter foods and drinks. 

However, sour is fine. Connor can go through a giant bag of Sour Patch Kids in like an hour; The fact he was high is beside the point. 

"Connor." Cynthia puts down her coffee mug and moves her hair out of her face. "I like your hair like that."

"Thanks." Why the fuck not? "Mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor is in shock.


	3. S-S-Stutter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think you just changed the story, Hansen."

"He's probably high. Why else would he take a shower in the middle of the night?" Larry says without looking up from his phone. 

Zoe pokes the food on her plate with her fork. "He's definitely high."

Connor takes a deep breath. "I'm not high." He's not fucking high, he doesn't even have any weed on him. 

"I don't want you going to school high, Connor." And there it is, whatever happened this morning. 

Whatever trust Connor built with his mother while they were talking at 4 in the morning is gone. Gone just because of what Fucker and Mini Fucker have to say about him.

Instead of responding, like he did the first time, Connor just stands up from the table and stomps out the front door. 

"Hey! He's gonna leave without me!"

"Connor! Don't leave without your sister."

"I don't even have the fucking keys!"

He slams the car door behind him and pulls himself into a ball in the passenger seat. 

He's asleep when Zoe comes out of the house and drives him to school. 

...

"Hey, Connor! Love the new hairstyle! Very emo cheerleader!"

His head shot up, eyebrows drawing together. That's not what Kleinman was supposed to say. It took Connor a moment to realize that he still had his hair in a ponytail. 

"Fuck off, Kleinman." He mutters as he walks past, not sparing Hansen a glance.

Jared snorts a laugh. "Is that the best come back you can come up with?" He bumps Hansen's shoulder with his own. "Damn, Murphy's game is low this year."

Why do people call impulsive anger 'blood boiling'? Connor can feel his heart stop and everything feels cold and numb. 

Just as Connor opened his mouth to scream at that fucker, Evan Hansen spoke up. "Um.. Jared... may-maybe you, um, should sh-sh-shut up."

"What?!" 

Evan flinched and looked down at his shoes before nervously darting his eyes up to Connor's. 

There's a pause. Jared turns almost as red as a tomato. Evan stares at the floor and suppresses a cough. Connor throws his head back and laughs. 

It's a juvenile laugh, full of snorts and gasps, but it's real. Connor's eyes crinkle and his dimples show. 

"Well, fuck." Connor snorts. "I think you just changed the story, Hansen."

Evan's eyes widen just as the bell rings. Then those light green eyes get lost in the wave of students. 

...

Evan is already standing by the door when Connor gets to the computer lab. He picked at his cast and stared at his shoes with his eyebrows draw together, muttering to himself underneath his breath. 

"Hey."

He nearly jumps out of his skin. "Oh! Hey- Hi! Well, I just... Yeah... Hello?"

Connor can feel a tug at the corner of his lips. "How did you break your arm?"

Evan's eyes widen, again. "I, um, fell out of a tree. Actually, it's kind of, um, funny- Y'know..."

Connor waits for him to finish the sentence; He doesn't. "Well, Hansen, that is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my god."

"Yeah..." Just as Connor was going to say something else, Hansen cuts him off. "Do you wanna sign my cast?"

It comes out more like Doyouwannasignmycast? but Connor managed to decipher it. "Okay. Do you have-"

"Here." Evan shoves a sharpie into his hands. "Wait- Oh, no... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. I-Its just I, um, knew y... knew you were gonna ask so I just-"

"It's fine." Connor reaches out for the cast.

"Ow."

Connor stops his hand. "Dude. I haven't even touched you yet."

"Sorry." Evan juts out his arm, and Connor shoots him a look before signing his name in large letters. 

"There." Observing his handy work, he smiles. 

"Oh, great." Evan tries to smile, too. "Thanks..."

"Now we can both pretend to have friends."

"Or not." Connor must've looked taken aback because Evan stumbles over his words. "Wait- No- That's not what I meant.. I, um, was just... was just thinking that maybewedon'thavetopretend! Not that you have to... I just thought-"

"Hansen." Evan stops rambling. "I don't care. However, I'm not sure you would want to be friends with me. I'm not exactly a good person." 

"I think you're fine." Evan meets his eyes sincerely. 

"Hansen-"

"Do you two have a hall pass?" Mrs. G rounds the corner, glaring at Connor, specifically. 

Well, fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plz comment im begging


	4. Me Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Perfect for me, then,"
> 
> "Me too."

"Do you two have a hall pass?" Mrs. G rounds the corner, glaring at Connor, specifically.

Well, fuck.

Just as Connor is about to inform her of where exactly she can do with her hall pass, Evan speaks up. 

"A-Actually, Mrs. G." He waves a piece of paper. "We're, um, both... both out on a hall pass. We have an, y'know, an Eng... English project together." 

She turns to him, a small smile on her face. Connor watches as Evan trembles underneath her gaze. "Well, if that's the case, then you two should get on with what you're doing." 

"Yes, Ma'am." He nods, tight-lipped. 

Mrs. G still glares at him as she walks away. Evan waits until she's out of sight to breathe. 

"Damn, Hansen." Connor grins at him, taking the paper out of his hands. "This is an excellent forgery." 

Evan blushes and shrugs. "I, uh, kne- thought I'd run into you so I... wanted to be prepared? If that makes sense?" 

"You need to get better at lying though," He mentions offhandedly and opens the door to the computer lab for them. "You're lucky, Mrs. G is fucking stupid." 

Evan enters the room with a small, too breathy laugh. "She's not the brightest." He agrees. 

Well, if Evan Hansen wasn't full of surprises. 

They sit next together at the computer and let silence fill the room. 

Connor likes this silence. It's not like the silence at dinner table before Larry yells at him for looking a little too tired or the silence of the car when Zoe's driving them to school. 

Or the silence he felt when he downed those pills. 

Connor logs into one of the computers and fishes his earbuds out of his messenger bag. He offers one to Evan, who takes it gingerly. 

"Have you heard of Lilly Allen?"

He shakes his head and Connor smiles as he pulls up a tab and types in one of his favorite songs. 

...

Evan doesn't listen to music, which surprises the fuck out of Connor. How can someone just not listen to music? 

Since Connor is not going to let his new... friend? (acquaintance?) be so uncultured, they end up skipping sixth period too. 

Also, Evan Hansen is funny, in the way that he says things without realizing it. Connor can see the exact moment he realizes it, the way his eyes widen and he goes to cover his mouth but stops short when he notices that Connor is laughing. 

Connor would've never thought they had the same sense of humor. 

Or the same taste in music. 

When the final bell rings, they try to stand up at the same time, bumping knees and arms. Evan stutters out an apology and Connor decides he's going to have to make a no-apologies rule while they're together. 

Connor offers Evan a ride. To both of their surprise, Evan accepts. 

"My sister has jazz band." He explains as the leave the school. "So we're going to have to wait for her for a minute."

"That's fine." Evan bites at his lip and picks at his shirt. (It's a polo; striped of all things. Connor hates it, but its also kinda endearing.)

"Wanna go by Mcdonald's?" Connor asks because he wants food.

And he still thinks this is a dream. Dreams make him ballsy. 

"Yeah." Evan's mouth goes into a perfect little 'o' of shock at what he just said. "B-but you really don't have to-"

"I want to," Connor assures him as they reach the car. He sits on the hood. "Hansen, I want food and I don't think you eat lunch."

"I did." Evan protests. "I had an apple and crackers."

"You don't eat real lunch." He amends. "Whatever, I'm still buying you a burger and fries."

He opens his mouth to protest, but Connor gives him a look that stops him.

Instead Evan half-smiles. "Can I have a milkshake?"

"Only if it's chocolate." Connor motions for Evan to sit next to him and he does, shyly. "I refuse to hang out with a monster."

"What's... What's wr-" Evan stops, gathering his words, then tries again. "What's wrong with vanilla?" 

"It's disgusting." He says truthfully. "And boring."

"Perfect for me, then," Evan says self-deprecatingly, making Connor laugh. 

"Me too."

"You're not boring."

"Neither are you."

And he means it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its so short. plz comment!


	5. Monster?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You should paint yours one day." 
> 
> "My hands shake way too much for that." 
> 
> "I'll do them for you, then."

Connor leans back, closing his eyes as Evan rambles about trees. His fingers drum on the steering wheel and he wonders for a moment if this really is a dream. Everything feels real, down to the throb of the need for a smoke that settles itself at the back of his mind.

"There's Japanese Maples which can grow up to around twenty-five feet tall? And I really like them? Like they're really pretty and, um-" He pauses. "Sorry. I... I didn't mean to-"

Connor's eyes fly open as he realizes his mistake. "No, dude, you're not boring me. Like, at all. I'm listening."

"Oh." His face says this is a first. "Sorry."

"Shouldn't I be saying that?" Connor smiles, though he's tired. Why does he feel so _tired_? He was having a good day. "I was the one that freaked you out."

He's always freaking people out. God, why is he such a _monster_?

Why is he so tired?

"Connor!" Zoe bangs on the window, scaring the fuck out of him. "Move."

"No, Zoe." Connor grits his teeth. _Don't blow up in front of Hansen. Don't blow up in front of Hansen. Don't fucking do it. Don't ruin this._ "I'm driving." 

"Like hell you are." She glares at him. "You're high."

"I'm not high." He snaps, then takes a breath. _Think, breathe_. "I've been with Evan for the past two and a half hours. I'm not high."

"Evan?" She finally notices him. "Did you two skip school together? Mom won't be happy if you skipped class again, Connor."

'Cause skipping class is the worst thing he's ever done, apparently.

"No!" Evan says it a little too loud, wincing slightly after the word leaves his mouth. "Me and Connor have, um, an English? Project? Together? We've been... We've been working on it. Together. Um, Connor isn't high."

"I offered him McDonald's" Connor explained, rolling down his window. "So give me the fucking keys." 

She glares at him for a long time, then hands them over. "You're lucky I want fries."

"Yeah, whatever, get in the car." Connor shrugs, placing a hand on Evan's good arm to stop him from switching seats with Zoe. 

Oh yeah, that weird crush thing. He forgot about that. 

Zoe huffs and puffs as she sits down in the backseat. Typical. 

"Do you two even have the same English class?" 

Connor knows what she's saying. Evan is smart. Connor isn't.

Connor's to tired to deal with these thoughts.

"We're both in, y'know, AP English? With Mr. Williams?" Evan picked at the frayed end of his polo. Connor almost wants to slap his hands away. "Connor sits three seats to the right of me and two seats up?"

"You know where I sit?" He didn't think anyone noticed him in that class. It was full of smart kids that were 'too good' for high school drama. And Evan. 

"That probably sounds really creepy." He realizes. "It wasn't like I was watching you or anything. I just, uh, havealotoftimeinthatclass? Sorry."

"New rule." Connor decides as he pulls out of the parking lot. "No apologies in my car."

"Sor-" He stops himself, biting his lip. "Okay. But what if-"

"None," Connor says firmly but throws him a smile. 

He smiles back. 

Maybe Evan Hansen doesn't think he's a monster. 

Connor drums his hands on the steering wheel as he drives, the silence is back, a little weaker because Zoe's always on the edge of a bitchfit. 

Evan's the one to break it. "I like your nails." Then he cringes because even he can hear how gay that sounds. 

Connor wants to laugh, but it doesn't feel right to do it when Zoe's around. "Thanks, Hansen. You should paint yours one day." 

"My hands shake way too much for that." 

"I'll do them for you, then."

In the review mirror, Connor can see Zoe mutter 'What the fuck' to herself. They pull into the drive-thru, Connor orders for Evan and has to wait ten fucking minutes for Zoe to decide what she wants. 

"So, where do you want me to drop you off?" Connor asks once they have the food, waving off Evan's thank yous. 

"I, uh, have a doc-doctor's appointment so, um, if you could just drop me off by the strip mall?" He twiddles his thumbs and no, Connor does no think that's adorable, thank you very much. "That would be great?"

"No problem." He hopes that Evan will be able to be comfortable with him one day. If he doesn't fuck this up too. 

They eat quietly and Connor turns up the volume on the radio. It's some pop shit that sounds like something Zoe would butcher on her guitar in jazz band. 

He parks in the strip mall parking lot and Evan puts his food back into the bag, and steps out of the car. 

"Thank you, again. Connor." He picks at his cast, Connor quite likes the way he signed his name on it. "For the ride. And the food. And-"

"It's fine, Ev," He bites his lip. _Ev? What is he thinking?_ "I should be thanking you, for this morning at least. You put Kleinman in his place."

He laughs, it's fake. Not bad fake, but like I-don't-know-what-to-do-so-I'm-going-to-laugh fake. If Connor was in any other headspace right now, he probably wouldn't know the difference. He's glad he does.

Just as he shuts the door and starts to walk away, Connor calls him back. He walks over to his window, hesitantly, but at least he doesn't pretend that he doesn't hear him.

"Do you still have that marker?"

"Yeah?" He takes it out of his kaki's pocket. (He wears kakis someone stop him.) 

"Let me see you cast." Connor plucks the sharpie out of his hand and scribbles his number underneath large letters of his name. 

"Wow, great." Evan smiles or at least tries to. 

"Now you can text me." He winks. "For the English Project."

A real smile ghosts Evan's face and Connor breathes a sigh of relief as he walks away. 

Evan Hansen really doesn't think he's a monster. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is going somewhere, they're going to talk about the angel thing soon. 
> 
> Comment, plz


	6. Alana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just got done talking to Alana Beck! You have a boyfriend?! I'm telling Dad!"

"It's none of you fucking business!" Connor yells, slamming the car door shut. 

Zoe slams her own door, following him up the steps to the house. "I just wanted to know what a kid like Evan is doing around you! He's a good kid!"

_He is._ "Just fucking stop!" Connor yanks the door open and stomps up the stairs. 

"No!" She shuts the door behind her. "You make everything worse! Evan doesn't deserve that."

"What do you know about Evan?" He screams, his blood like ice in his veins. "You didn't give a shit about him until he talked to me! Don't act like you actually care about him!"

"You're a monster!" She screams back, "Evan doesn't know who you are!"

"He knows more than you!" 

"You're a nightmare, Connor!" 

"Fuck you, Zoe!"

He stomps up to his room and wishes he had a door to slam. Tear sting his eyes and he just needs to punch something. He throws his bag halfway across the room and starts to kick one of his chairs. 

He can't deal with this right now. He can't deal with anything. 

"Connor! Connor, stop!" Zoe's in the hallway, watching break the legs to his chair. "I'm calling Dad!"

"Call him!" Connor stops kicking it and just stands there, shaking. "Maybe he'll actually care this time. "

She's shaking too, knuckles white against her purple phone case. "I hate you!"

And he deflates. "Go _away_ , Zoe."

He's tired. _So_ tired. 

"Fine." She snaps and finally leaves him alone. 

He shakes off his jacket and kicks off his boots. He needs sleep. He needs to wake up. He needs to be dead. 

His phone pings from inside his jean pocket. 

**Unknown Number**

_hi, connor!! thank you for giving me your number_

_its evan by the way_

_you probably knew that, sorry for bothering you_

_i left my backpack in your car_

_sorry_

Connor wanted to smile. 

_Hey Ev_

...

He wakes up feeling like death. 

_Death_. 

He can taste it. It's filling his senses and leaving him cold. 

He scrambles for his clock with one hand. _5:27 Tuesday, September 4th._

It's way too early, but Connor can't let himself go back to sleep. It's real. He's not dead. This is real. 

_Fuck_. 

He stands up, way too fast; blood rushes down from his face and makes him dizzy. He shuffles to the bathroom and brushes his teeth. He needs the taste _gone_. 

He needs a hit.

...

Evan Hansen is waiting by his locker when he gets to school. 

"Hey."

"Hi." He does a little wave with his hand before letting it fall awkwardly. (It isn't cute. Not at all.) "I thought that you would maybe like to walk to class together? I mean you don't have to but, uh, Iwasreallyhopingwecouldhangout. Like, during school?"

"Yeah." That sounds way too excited. "I mean, I don't have anything better to do." Nice save. 

He hands Evan his backpack, glad that he remembered to grab it this morning. 

"What..." He gestures to the book under Connor's arm as he puts the bag over his shoulder. "What are you reading?"

Connor showed him the cover. "The Giver. Have you read it?"

Evan nodded. "Didn't we read that in eighth grade English?"

"We did." He let Evan flip through it. "It's way better without some teacher butchering it."

Evan hummed as he read the little multi-color notes that Connor had added. He smiled. 

"You're really smart, Connor."

Connor shook his head. "Nah. I just like to read."

Evan opens his mouth to speak, but Alana Beck rounds the corner. 

"Connor! Evan!" She greeted as she walked up to them. "How are you today?"

"We're good," Connor answered. 

"That's great!" She flipped her braids over her shoulder. "I'm doing well. We're having our first GSA meeting of the year during lunch."

"What room?" Evan asks. 

"Mrs.Collins. Why?" She doesn't wait for an answer. Her eye dark between them, then down Evan's cast. "Are you two dating?"

Connor is so shocked that he doesn't answer, just watches as Evan trips over himself to correct her.

"Wait- I- Why wou... Why would you-" He rambles. "We-"

The bell rings and she shares a shiny smile with them. "I got to get to AP History. I'm happy for you."

"Wait-" And she was gone.

Connor's brain finally started to connect with his mouth. "Maybe we can visit her during lunch and clear this up?"

"We should probably do that." Evan agreed. "I gotta go to, um, biology, where are you going?"

"Home Ec." Connor rolled his eyes. "I'm terrible at it."

"Good luck," Evan said as they parted ways. 

"You too."

... 

During lunch, they spend twenty minutes trying to find the GSA room. 

"Okay. I'm fucking done." Connor says, leaning against the lockers. "I'll just talk to her during math."

"Promise?" Evan said. "Not that... Not that it's a bad thing or any-anything like that I just, um, wanna-"

"I get it, Ev." He yawns. "I promise."

Evan pauses, eyebrows drawing together. "Hey, Connor?"

Just as Connor is about to answer, his phone goes off. "Hold on." He groans. "Its Zoe."

He answers it. 

"I just got done talking to Alana Beck!" Zoe's tiny voice yells from the speaker. "You have a boyfriend?! I'm telling Dad!"

Oh no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alana means well.


	7. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're so stupid, oh my god."
> 
> "Yeah, we are."
> 
> "Well, at least the worse part is over now."
> 
> "Not really. This is going to be a nightmare."

It's almost eleven when Connor gets a chance to text Evan. 

He spent three hours after dinner being interrogated by Larry and Cynthia about who exactly his new friend is. Jesus fuck. 

**Evangreen**

_So_.

_I have good news & bad news_

_o no_

_wha wrong_

_Good news: No one thinks we're dating_

_bad news?_

_My parents want you to come over for dinner next weekend_

_i thdnk i can do that_

_t_

_sorry_

Connor sends another message, telling him that he doesn't have to apologize, and promptly falls asleep. 

..

He wakes up in the same room he was in just a night ago. 

Not again. 

The wing fuck is sitting at the same desk and barely looks up as Connor stands. Connor walks around checking the walls for that lightswitch from the other night. 

The angel whistles underneath his breath as he does his paperwork. 

"Hey, Wing-Fuck." Connor accuses. "You put a fucking child lock on my fucking life."

"I did." He agrees, throwing him a look. "I can't have you trying to kill yourself right after I brought you back."

"I hate you." _Brought him back?_ Fuck, Connor can't live with this. 

He held up a thumbs up. "You can call me JD, by the way. Also, you should wake up, Evan's texting you."

"Evan?"

... 

Connor gasped for air, sitting up. His phone was pinging, shaking his pillow. He fumbled for it, unlocking it and opening his texts. 

**Evangreen**

_Connor?_

_are youbawake_

_my mom had to goi to wodk early_

_an you drive me_

Connor bit his lip and typed a quick 'yes' which got about a dozen thank-you texts and an address. 

He got dressed quickly and grabbed an apple and some coffee from the kitchen on his way out. Zoe had apparently gotten a ride with one of her friends and neglected to wake him up. Bitch. 

But he doesn't have enough time to get mad. He drives just a little bit above the speed limit and gets to Evan's house in record time. 

The minute he parks on the street, Evan bursts out of his house, a piece of toast in his mouth and papers flapping in the wind as he tries to put his binder back into his bag. The buttons of his polo are undone and his hair is a mess on top of his head. 

Why is that so-? Damn.

"Damn, Hansen." He says because it's the only thing he can think. 

Evan throws himself into the passenger seat. "You have no idea."

Damn, indeed. 

Once Evan has his seatbelt on, Connor takes them to school. He digs around the car for an old CD while Evan eats his toast. 

"I brought you coffee." He tells him, pointing at the cupholder. "If you want it."

"I, uh, thank you!" Evan blushes. "But, I, um, can't drink coffee. It makes me spazz out." He pauses. "Even more."

"Ah, shit." Connor apologies. "Sorry."

Evan lets out a breathy laugh. "You just broke your own rule."

That gets a chuckle out of him. "I did."

They reach the school parking lot with at least ten minutes to spare. 

...

A week and a half pass by, Jared is still avoiding Evan. Connor tries not to be pissed off at that but ultimately fails. 

Evan literally did nothing wrong. Jared Kleinman is an asshole. 

It's Sunday night when Connor has to bring Evan over to the nightmare that is his family dinner. 

So, at the moment, they are sitting in his car, stalling. Evan looks through Connor's CD collection. Connor flips through the radio stations. 

"So, um." Evan picks at his cast. "When is dinner? Not that I'm trying to rush you or anything-"

"Around six." Connor checked the time. _5:37_. "Want to make a run for my room?"

"Do you think we'll actually make it?"

He shrugs and bites his lip. "Only one way to find out."

"Yeah." Neither of them moves. 

"Okay." Connor opens his door. "Let's do this."

Evan mirrors him, with significantly less fake confidence. Or just confidence in general. 

"L-Let's do this."

Connor grabs Evan's hand before opening the door. "They're going to love you."

Evan nods and they push the door open. 

"Connor? Is that you?" Cynthia calls from the kitchen. 

"Fuck." Connor hisses, pulling Evan up the stairs.

"Is your friend with you? Honey?"

Evan trips, giggling slightly. "Sorry." 

"Shh." Connor hushes him, giggling as well. 

"Connor?" 

They finally make it up the stairs and push each other into his room. For once, he's glad he doesn't have a door to open. 

Evan collapses on the bed, hands trying to stifle his laughter. "We're so stupid, oh my god."

Connor sits next to him. "Yeah, we are."

"Well, at least the worse part is over now."

"Not really." Connor sighs. "This is going to be a nightmare."

"Connor!" Cynthia appears in the doorway, apron tied around her waist. "Introduce me to your friend."

A nightmare. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like this?


	8. Larry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did Connor sign your cast?"
> 
> "Yeah, he did."
> 
> "Connor. You didn't leave any room for anyone else."
> 
> "It's fine, ma'am. Real... Really. No one... one else really, um, wanted to sign it."

Evan is doing better than Connor thought he would. His hands shook his voice cracked, but he wasn't having a panic attack, so they were halfway there. 

Cynthia insisted on knowing every last detail about how they met. (Connor had to keep reminding himself of what happened the first time; his memory was blurry.) (Apparently, angel time-travel is weird like that.)

"Where did you two meet?" She asked Evan, spooning more vegan lasagna onto his plate, even though the first helping was next to untouched. 

"School, Cynthia," Connor answers, taking a sip of his milk. "I already told you all of this before Ev came over." 

The nickname left his mouth before he could stop it. _Shit_. Larry's eyebrows almost touched his hairline and Cynthia grinned. Oh no.

Zoe's fork clattered against her plate and she looked genuinely surprised. 

"Okay." Cynthia puts down her spoon. " _How_ did you two meet? Connor didn't tell me that."

"Oh, um." Evan picks at his cast, drawing everyone's eyes to it.

"Did Connor sign your cast?" Larry asks, glaring at Connor. 

What did he do wrong? Is it illegal to sign someone's cast? Jesus fuck.

No. No getting angry. Evan didn't deserve to see that. What did he say the other day? Try to be nicer or some shit like that? Well, he's trying. 

Evan smiled nervously. "Yeah, he did." He said softly, tracing the letters. 

"Connor." Cynthia chastises. "You didn't leave any room for anyone else."

"It's fine, ma'am. Real... Really." Evan shoots a look at Connor. "No one... one else really, um, wanted to sign it."

Connor smiles back at him before he can overthink it and hooks his ankle around Evan's. Evan jumps, but Connor pretends not to notice and instead focuses on his plate. 

He takes a bite of the only edible thing on it and takes another sip of his drink. Evan's hands still tremble when he reaches for his water, but he seems slightly calmer. 

"You never answered your mother, Connor." Larry reminds him, stone-faced. 

"What?" 

Larry pinches the bridge of his nose. "How did you two meet?"

Connor can't help the grin that crosses his face at the memory. "So there was this kid at school, right? And he was being an asshole-"

"Language!"

"Saying shit about my hair and Evan kinda stood up for me." He brushes Evan's shoulder against his. "It was pretty cool."

Evan smiles back. Why didn't Connor notice that Evan had freckles before now? They dot around his nose and the corners of his eyes. 

Zoe drops her fork and picks up her plate, breaking him out of his trance. "I'm done eating. I'm going over to Liz's house, now."

"Okay, honey." Cynthia nods. "Text us when you get there."

"'Kay." She disappears into the kitchen and doesn't come back. 

They're alone. _Shit_. 

He focuses on the feeling of Evan's ankle against his and pokes his food. Evan tries to take a bite, wincing slightly as he chews. 

"How's the food, Evan?"

"Gr-Great, Mrs. Murphy." He lies. He's lucky that Connor's parents can't tell the difference between a bad lie and a good truth. 

"How long have you been friends?" 

Connor rolls his eyes. "About two weeks." 

"A little less?" Evan looked to him for confirmation and he nodded. 

He shrugs. "Since the first day of school."

"Oh, Connor." She clasps her hands together. "I told you going to school that day was a good idea."

"Yeah." Connor pauses and Evan taps his foot with his own. "I guess you were right..." Another tap. He can do this. Try to be a little nicer. That was Evan's advice. "Mom."

Evan tapped his foot excitedly. Trying to fight a smirk, Connor tapped back. 

Larry looked in between the two, bewildered. Connor hoped for a moment that they could actually get out of this dinner alive. 

But, because Larry is fucking Larry, he opened his mouth. 

"So, Evan. What's wrong with how you talk?"

"Wha... What?" Evan's mouth drops open, a devastating look crossing his face. 

"Larry!" Connor stood up, unhooking his ankle from Evan's. "What the fuck?!"

"What? It's just a question!" Larry looked up at him, clearly annoyed. 

"Fuck you, Larry!" Connor yells, blood running ice-cold. "I can't have one fucking-"

"Sit down. You're just a child throwing a fit-"

Connor growled, noise building up behind his ears. Larry has no _right_ -

"Connor." Evan had stood up as well and placed his hands on Connor's arm. "It's okay. I'm okay. You're okay."

And it's in that moment when the rage suddenly stills, that Connor realizes that _he likes Evan Hansen._

It makes so much sense. He likes Evan Hansen. Holy fuck, _he likes Evan Hansen_. 

The white-noise behind his ears begins to dissipate. "I can't just let him say that shit." He said softly. 

Evan tugged on his arm. "Let's leave. That will do more."

A moment's hesitation, then he lets out a ragged breath. 

Throwing a distasteful look in his father's direction, he hisses another insult and then turns around. 

Evan grabs his hand, intertwining their fingers, and pulls him out of the dining room and towards the door. 

Once they are in the safety of Connor's car, Connor leans forward and presses his forehead to the steering wheel. 

Evan leans over the cup holders. "Are you-" He hesitates. 

Connor's shoulders are shaking and tears pool in his eyes and he _laughs._

"Evan." He pushes himself up and looks over to his friend, who is staring at him like he grew another head. "I left my keys in my room."

"You-" Evan's eyebrows knit together and it is unfairly cute. "Are... Are you okay?"

Connor shakes his head. He thinks that just might kiss his only friend. Now, _that's_ a bad idea. "Am I ever? But, Evan, I left my keys in there." 

Evan watches him for a moment before the realization dawns on him. Connor can't believe how cute that is. "But, uh, how are we going to get to my house?"

"Either we ruin our dramatic exit or we walk." Connor shakes his head again. 

Evan bites his lip, looking back at the house. (Connor needs him to stop doing that immediately.) "I vote we walk."

They step out of the car. Connor is shaking but in a good way. He's not angry anymore, he's nervous. Not _panic-attack-everyone-hates-me_ nervous, but _my-crush-is-talking-to-me_ nervous. 

It feels good. 


	9. So,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We were watching a documentary and fell asleep, asshole." 
> 
> "That's even gayer."
> 
> "Jared."

The next day, he wakes up on Evan Hansen's couch, being used as a pillow by the said boy with National Geographic (Evan's choice) playing on the TV. 

Evan is sprawled out on top of him, hands gripping the sides of his shirt and drool pooling on Connor's chest, small snores exiting his nose every time he exhales. Connor's arms are wrapped around him, one hand on the small of his back and the other in his hair. 

His hair is soft and almost feathery, it curls around his fingers and brushes against Connor's knuckles. 

What he should do is find a way out of Evan's grasp and pretend like nothing ever happened. Does he do that? No, no he doesn't. Why? Because he's an idiot. 

Instead he keeps staring at the boy in his lap, because he's probably never going to get another chance like this. 

Then the front door flies open with unexpected force and Jared fucking Kleinman walks into the room with an armful of candy and soda. 

_Fuck_. 

"Whaddup, fucker!" He yells as he walks in, not sparing the couch a glace. "We gotta hang out so my mom will pay my car insurance."

Jared hums as he piles the food on the counter, then spins around. "So did you finally buy- HOLY FUCK!" He yells as his eyes land on them. 

Connor is too sleepy and drunk on the fact he's cuddling to yell back. Evan's eyes open, and he jumps up like Connor's arms are electrically charged. 

"I-" Evan tries, but chokes on his words. His face goes red and he's biting his lip so hard Connor wants to tell him to stop. 

"Shit!" Jared darts his eyes between the two of them. "You're actually fucking Connor Murphy."

"I AM NOT!" Evan says, way too loud, and Connor doesn't know if he should be offended or be worrying if it's safe for someone to be that red. "I am not- We are not- We just-" 

"Evan, shut up," Connor told him, as lovingly as he could. Evan nodded. "We were watching a documentary and fell asleep, asshole." 

Jared snorts. "That's even gayer."

"Jared." Evan groaned, burying his face in his hands. 

He gnaws on his lip again and Connor slaps his hand. "You're going to make yourself bleed."

Jared laughs, turning around and digging through his pile. "Now that's gay."

Connor falls back down, ignoring Evan's weight on his legs. "I'm going back to sleep."

Evan got off of him and tried to shake him. "Connor." 

"Fine, fine." He pushes himself up. "I'm up. And I need coffee."

"I have red bull." Jared gestured to the pile of food on the table. "But you can't have the peach ones."

"Shut up, Jared."

...

Jared stays for three hours, apparently him and Evan made up over text. Connor isn't jealous, not at all thank you for asking. He's not hurt that Evan didn't tell him. Why do you think that? Connor is perfectly fine with this. 

But, he has to admit, Jared way more bearable outside of school. He keeps the school shooter jokes to a minimum, replacing them with gay jokes and badly timed innuendos. 

When he finally leaves, Connor is in the middle of beating Evan at Mario Cart, using the old Wii that was apparently Jared's. 

When he beats him for the fifth time in a row, they take a break. 

"I'm terrible at that." Evan wines, grabbing an apple from the fridge. 

Connor makes his third cup of coffee of the day. "You're better than Zoe."

"Hm." Evan hums as he bites into his apple. "Have you che... you checked your phone yet?"

"Shit." He almost spills his coffee. "I still gotta fucking do that."

"Good luck." Evan wishes him, taking another bite.

"You're full of shit." Connor accuses without any real conviction. 

He shrugs and Connor smiles. Sassy Evan is way too much fun. 

Connor takes out his phone and sips his coffee in a cat-shaped mug while leaning against the counter. 

**Mini Fucker**

_Connor_

_fuck u_

_im was trying to havd a sleepover_

_dads pissed_

_were r u ? u asshole_

Connor clicked the read button and put his phone back into his pocket. 

It buzzes. He ignores it. 

His stomach rumbles and he looks around the kitchen. Other than the apples in the fridge, there isn't much. 

He can't really cook anything, apparently, knives and hot pans are a no-go with JD's child lock on his life. 

"Ev." Connor calls and puts his mug in the sink. 

"Yeah?"

"I'm hungry." And he has drunk three cups of coffee on an empty stomach. "Can we, like, get pizza? I'll pay you back."

There's a pause. "Yeah? Th-there should be, uh, a twenty on the counter?"

There's a tremble in his voice that makes Connor worry almost immediately. He goes back into the living room, twenty in hand, and asks whats wrong.

Evan just gestures wildly with his hands. "I just? I just have this, um, thing? About calling people?"

"That's it?" Connor shakes his head. Evan was lucky he's cute. "Dude, just let me do it."

"Wait- Really?" Evan's head pops up and he looks so relieved that it makes him want to smile. 

"Sure." Connor gets his phone back out and dials the number. "Set up another documentary, yeah?"

Evan nods and flips through the channels. 

He orders the pizza quickly, getting plain cheese and breadsticks. When he's done, Evan is watching some baking show. 

Connor sits beside him, and Evan hooks their ankles together, tapping his foot. He taps back with a smile. 

Evan waits until a commercial to speak.

"Connor? About the day we met..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jared is back!! 
> 
> comment plz


	10. Kinda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I used to be in love with him. And I think he loved me, once."
> 
> "Did... Did you two break up?"
> 
> "You have to date someone to break up."

"Connor, about the day we met..." Evan picks at his cast, not meeting his eyes. 

Connor's mind races. He was meaning to ask about that day for over a week, but things had been so _good_ with Evan that he just didn't want to make it awkward. Though, he was sure that Evan knew that something was off that day. 

"Yeah?"

Evan opens his mouth to speak just as the doorbell rings. Connor puts up a finger, then goes to the front door and to pay for the pizza. The interaction is done with minimum speaking, and then it's over. 

He walks back into the living room, placing the pizza and breadsticks on the coffee table, and sits back down. 

"What did you need to tell me?" He asks as he reaches for a piece of pizza. 

"...It can wait." Evan takes a breadstick, biting into it and not looking him in the eyes. 

He should ask, but the idea of an answer terrifies him. 

...

He wakes up Friday morning knowing that today is going to be bad. Its a feeling underneath his skin and a taste in his mouth and the throb in the back of his head. 

He looks in the mirror and wants to break it. He hates the look in his eyes and the pout of his lips. 

He needs a hit. 

So, at five in the morning, he sneaks out of his window and digs through the car, managing to find a half of a joint. He sits on the roof of the car and lights the joint with a pack of matches he's been keeping from his Mom. 

He purses his lips around it and inhales, lungs being filled with the familiar fuzzy feeling of smoke. He holds it for a moment, then exhales small 'o's of smoke. 

After a few minutes, the weed quiets the voices in his head and makes him think about Evan instead. 

Evan, with his fluffy hair and freckles and pretty light green eyes. Evan, with his trust and breathy laugh and soft skin. Evan, who cares. 

Connor takes another drag, then puts out the blunt. 

Evan would be disappointed in him. 

A sob makes it's way out of his throat and he wants to _die_. He doesn't deserve Evan, or Zoe, or even Jared. 

He's a screw-up. A mess. A fucking hurricane. 

He wants to die. 

...

He doesn't go to school that day. He ignores Cynthia and Zoe when they try to get him out of bed. He ignores Larry when he yells at him for being lazy. 

He doesn't answer his phone either, even though he can hear it going off on his nightstand. Texts from Evan, maybe Jared. (Connor gave him his phone number because he wouldn't fucking shut up about it.)

Every noise from his phone makes him want to die. Every time it lights up is a reminder that he doesn't deserve Evan's worry. 

He should message him back, tell him that he's okay. He doesn't. 

...

He doesn't get out of bed for anything other than food and the bathroom for the whole weekend. 

...

Zoe complains to Cynthia about how unfair it is that he gets to stay in the bed and she doesn't.

...

Sunday night, he has another dream, featuring JD.

...

Monday morning, he feels alive again. 

...

He still doesn't go to school for another two days, but he does message Evan and Jared back, telling them he has the flu.

He also messages Miguel. 

...

When he finally sees Evan again, Wednesday morning, all feelings of shame rush back. 

Evan acts normally, bumping his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Better than ever." Connor lies and pretends that the bag of weed in his pocket doesn't exist.

That night, he dreams. 

...

Saturday night, he has another dream.

...

Sunday morning, he throws away the bag, even though there's not much left. 

...

Monday afternoon, he feels like he can breathe again.

...

Tuesday, at lunch, Alana sits with him, Evan and Jared. (Jared does that now.)

...

Wednesday, Zoe joins them. 

... 

By the next Friday, it's expected that they eat together. 

...

By Monday, he deletes Miguel's phone number, with one last text. 

**Ex-Babe (Kinda)**

_I'm sorry._

He's sitting on his bed, tears in his eyes as he presses the button. After he does so, he throws his phone to the foot of his bed and pulls his knees to his chest. 

Zoe walks into his room. He jumps and tries to wipe his face with his sleeves. 

"Connor, do you know-" She pauses once she sees him, "Connor?"

"Fuck off, Zoe." He says without any bite. He doesn't want to ruin the tentative trust they've built, but he does need her gone. 

She rolls her eyes and sits next to him on his bed. "What happened?"

He stays quiet for a few minutes, but just as Zoe is about to stand up, he speaks. 

"Do you remember Miguel?"

"Huh?"

"Miguel." Connor digs his nails into his wrists as far as JD's little child lock would let him. "He came over two years ago after I got out of rehab."

Zoe's eyebrows knit together. "The one with the curly hair?"

Connor nods miserably. "I- We-" He takes a breath, refusing to meet his sister's eyes. "I used to be in love with him. And I think he loved me, once."

"Did..." She pauses, again, searching for something to say. "Did you two break up?"

Connor chokes back the sob that rises his throat. "You have to date someone to break up. No, I- He's done with me, Zoe. He can't handle waiting for me to blow up or get high or get kicked out or- He was my dealer because he didn't want to see me die from bad weed."

"Okay..." She hesitates, then places her hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Am I ever?" He laughs without humor. "I don't know- I started to get clean, but he still didn't couldn't handle me. He fell in love with someone else- Someone better. And, so did I."

Zoe gasped without meaning to. "Evan?"

Connor wiped his face again and threw himself back on the bed. "Am I that obvious?"

"Kinda."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is shitty and it took me forever but I got distracted by a sanders side fic I'm writing. I'm so sorry.


	11. Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Which one of us do you think is the most attractive?"
> 
> "That's not fair,"
> 
> "Just answer the question, Connor,"
> 
> "Um... Evan, I guess."

If someone had told Connor Murphy last summer that he'd be having a sleepover in Evan Hansen's basement with his best friends he would've told them that he wasn't gonna make it to spring, much less be letting Jared fucking Kleinman braid his hair.

Honestly the person he was last summer would beat up the person he is now.

Past Connor would've never let this asshole touch his hair while his sister laughed and took up the entirety of the couch with her girlfriend while the rest of them sat on the floor.

Jared tugged at his hair and Connor hissed at his sister. "I hope you know this is the worst dare."

"I'm great at this." Jared boasted, using Zoe's star clip to fasten the braid. "The best, no of you could do better."

Zoe snickered, burying herself deeper into her Alana's arms. "It looks like a five-year-old did it."

"I think it looks fine." Evan scooted closer to him, craning his head to see the top of Connor's.

"See? I told you." Jared said as he stood up and walked over to the minifridge. (A gift Connor had gotten Evan for his birthday.)

"I hate you." There was no malice in Connor's voice as he said it. Past him would be disgusted. (And maybe a little bit proud, deep down.)

Evan poked his arm. "Connor, it's your turn."

Connor holds Evan's gaze just a little too long, as he always does. Past him would be fucking astounded that his best friend is the boy he has had a crush on. Present him is fucking astounded that he even talks to him.

"Jared." He should stop thinking like this, Evan Hansen is Straight. "Truth or dare?"

"Hmm." He sips on his Dr. Pepper and taps his chin. "Mamma didn't raise no pussy. Dare."

"Which mom are you talking about?" Evan pipes up. "You have two, Jared."

"Also that was a double negative." Alana points out.

"Whatever." Jared rolls his eyes and cocks his jaw with a swagger that only the deeply insecure can manage. "Gimme a dare, Connie."

"Don't call me that." He says immediately. "I dare you to...let Zoe wax your eyebrows."

Zoe grins evilly and fishes the wax strips out of her overnight bag.

"What?!" He blanches. "You planned this!"

"Yup!" Zoe sings.

"You have to take the dare, Jared," Connor says through hyena-like laughter. "Your mama didn't raise a pussy, after all."

"Oh my god." Evan buries his face in his hand. "Connor, for the love of God, please never say that again."

"I thought you were Jewish?" Jared asks, genuinely confused.

"My mom is." He corrects. "Wait, did you just insinuate that Jewish people don't believe in God?"

"Wait, they believe in God?" He's actually serious.

"What the fuck?" Connor can't believe this. He's actually friends with this dumbass. "How did you not know that? You've been friends with Evan longer than I've known him."

He just shrugs. Connor rubs his temples.

"This is irrelevant." Alana points out.

"Totally." Zoe smiles at her girlfriend. "Come over here, dumbass."

"I hate all of you." He announces as he downs his soda and sits on the floor next to the couch. Evan almost double overs in laughter at the look on Jared's face.

"Don't move," Zoe warns, sticking one of the wax strips between his eyebrows.

"Wouldn't dream of it." The fear in his voice is evident. Zoe flattens the wax with a little wooden stick. "Acorn, save me."

Evan tries to hide his laughter. "I think it's too late for that."

"Fuck you, Hans-" Zoe ripped off the wax. "HOLY FUCK, YOU _BITCH_!" He jumps back and cradles his forehead.

Connor bursts into a laugher, falling back onto the ground. His eyes water as he gasps for air. "Ev, did you see his face? Jesus fuck that was beautiful."

Evan falls back beside him, clutching his stomach. "You know he's going to get you back for that."

"I'll risk it."

Alana covered her smile with her hand. "It's your turn, Jared."

"Fuckin' skip me." He groaned, rolling over to the fridge and pressing a cold soda to his forehead.

"We will come back to you later." She amended. "It's your turn, Hun."

Zoe smiled softly and Connor fake gagged, making Evan bite his lip.

"Evan, truth, or dare?"

"Oh, um." He pauses. Evan Hansen is not good at decisions. "Truth? Since everyone has picked dare so far?"

"Typical Acorn," Jared says from underneath his coke can.

"Shut up." Connor snaps slightly.

"Okay." Zoe pretends to think. "What's something you've never told anyone?"

Evan looked panicked. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to," Connor reassured him.

"No fair!"

"Shut up, Jared."

Evan waves away their concerns. (That's a first.) "It's fine. It's. Just. Um, so, I am, y'know, bi? As in bisexual? Like I like boys and girls?"

Apparently the gods have finally decided to have mercy on Connor Murphy's poor soul. "You are?"

Evan shirks into himself. "...Yeah?"

He realizes what it sounds like a little too late. "Wait, no. I mean- That's great." It sounds fake. Fuck. "I'm gay."

Jared snorts. "Like we didn't know that already, Murphy."

Zoe raises an eyebrow. "Which one of us are you talking to?"

Alana's face has gone blank as she stares at the floor.

"You okay?" Connor asks.

"I," She starts, folding her hands into her lap. Zoe sits up and looks at her girlfriend with concern. _Are you sure?_ She mouth. Alana nods. "Have something I wish to inform you of."

"Yeah?" Jared supplies, because it seems like she needs prompting.

"I am transgender." She doesn't meet any of their gazes. "As in, male-to-female."

She holds her breath, spine gone ridged. No one was anything for a couple of moments.

"Really?" Evan stutters. "Oh, wait. That was stupid. I mean- That's fine, of course. Sorry."

And, most surprisingly, Alana laughs. Tears fall from her eyelashes and she gasps for air. "Godness, I was so scared." She mutters into Zoe's shoulder. Zoe pets her hair and kisses her forehead.

Jared puts down the soda and stuffs his hands into his pockets. "I'm non-binary if that makes you feel better."

"You are?" Zoe sounds the most caught off guard.

Jared pretends like its not a big deal. "Yeah. I prefer they/them, usually but I honestly really don't care so yeah."

Connor makes a mental note of that as Jared sits back down, their face red from more than the wax.

It's quiet, save for the sniffles coming from the girls' direction until Connor speaks up. "It's your turn, Evan."

"Okay. Um, Zoe?"

"Truth." She says immediately.

"If you had to, who would you switch lives with for a week?" The truth was lame, Connor knew that, but it was also undeniably cute.

"Jared," Zoe said after moment's consideration. "They have lesbian moms they're the obvious choice."

Though Jared is trying to keep a cool exterior, they whisper 'they' to themself and grin stupidly. Connor can't help but smile too.

"'Lana, truth or dare?"

"Dare," Alana says, surprising everyone.

"I dare you to..." Zoe rubs her hands together like an old school villain in a cheesy superhero movie. "Buy me chocolates during lunch tomorrow."

"That's hardly a dare."

"Shut up, Jared."

"Speaking of Jared, do you want to take your turn now?" Alana asks.

"Oh, hell yeah." They grin. "Truth or dare, Connie?"

"I'll kill you." It's an empty threat, but Connor still winces when Zoe flinches. He wants to say sorry but now is not the time. "Truth."

"Which one of us do you think is the most attractive?"

"That's not fair," Connor argues immediately.

"Just answer the question, Connor," Zoe smirks. Bitch.

Connor pretends to think about it. "Um... Evan, I guess." He tries to play it off. It doesn't work.

Evan's eyes go big. 

_Fuck_. 


	12. Author's note

I'm really, really, really, sorry but I have to put this story on hold for a little bit!! I promise that I will finish it, but I just have to wait a couple of weeks to get all my ideas together. 

Again, I'm really sorry and I hope you'll keeping reading after I continue it!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm Not Okay (I Promise)


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